VACATION

We leave on vacation this afternoon.  I can't wait.  We all need this escape time and we have banned certain overly discussed topics for a whole week! 

I will be seeing lots of

And

I am so very excited for this next week. 

 

Not Moving Past Guilt

I can't seem to move past my guilt that I developed yesterday from my chat with Thing 1.

If I want her to always talk to me about things she is thinking and feeling I have to work really hard on making sure that doesn't come across to her in my expressions.  The whole issue with that is that my face is rather expressive.  Pissed Kat looks pissed.  Sad Kat looks sad.  I have never mastered the whole "don't wear your heart on your sleeve thing."

I think, as sad as this makes me, I am going to have to tell Adam I need to be spanked. 

I hate needing it but it really does help me find some closure in some things. 

Anyone who made it over her from my old blog should know that our dynamic has completely changed which is why I feel comfortable enough to ask. 

Mommy Guilt

This morning Thing 1 came to me crying and needed to talk.  I want her to always be able to talk with me about anything that is on her mind; even if it is hard and she thinks I will get mad.  I didn't have a relationship like that with my mother as I was growing up and I think it would have helped me with several long lasting bad decisions that I made, so it is important to me.

She was so upset.  She is the more sensitive of my two girls so I have to make sure I listen to her without eye rolling.  Sometimes the things that she views as a problem are not problems in my mind.  Her sister takes all the sheets off her bed and she cries.  I see it more like well just make the bed again, but she feels frustrated that Thing 2 is destroying stuff.  

She felt like she was being ignored.  Her chief complaint was that all we ever talk about anymore is money, housing, or her baby sister. 

She might have a point there, which is the sad part.  Thing 2 is a huge handful and it's really hard to keep up with her and make sure they both get equal attention.  I feel like I spend most of my days making sure the little terror doesn't jump off the couch, climb the bookshelves, or kill the cat.  She is cute but, Dear LORD is she a handful.  The money and housing thing, well it seems to me like that is all Adam and I talk about anymore as well.  It just seems like we have been in this pit of transition for the better part of our marriage. 

Then I started getting depressed.  It is hard being a mom.  I hate it when my kids feel like they need stuff from me that I am not intuitively figuring out.  I realize that elevates me to a level when I am expecting myself to be all knowing and all seeing which is completely unrealistic.  I can, with my more rational side, see that that isn't logical.  However, sometimes parenting doesn't happen in the logical side of the brain it happens in the emotional part. 

I hear, "Mommy I need you" and I think "Kat you are such a FAILURE!"  I mean really, I am the mom and I should just KNOW that my kid needs  X, Y, and Z.  This leads me into a Mommy depression spiral.  I can know in my mind that it is just a season of our life and this stuff will pass but that doesn't make it any easier to know. 

I hate feeling off balance.

Removed, Restarted, Refreshed

I used to keep a different blog called A New Path For Kat.  If you came to this blog from that one, thank you very much. 

If you got here from some other cosmic coincidence well, I'm glad you are here. 

My old blog was all about my new lifestyle with my husband of DD but it got to where just talking about that became a chore.  My marriage went through some huge problems, changes, and upsets.  We have been working on a permanent housing solution for our family for almost two years now.  It's just been such a stressful time.  It got to the point where just looking at the blog made be feel like a failure and made me feel like I was doing everything wrong.

So in February I just walked away.  I couldn't do it and I just needed a change. 

Change is good.

Change is freeing.  I was able to literally give myself a clean slate, or blog, to start this over again. 

So who am I?

I am an introvert.

I am a person more comfortable in a book that a room full of people.

I have a wild imagination.

I am a married woman with two kids and a husband whom I love dearly even when I want to run him over with the car.

I am an aspiring author with an ambition and motivation issue. 

I am a recovering public school teacher turned homeschooler of my two kids.  (Yes, there is an actual recovery period.)

I am a person coming to grips with my sexuality at the ripe age of 33.  I actually thought I was supposed to have this figured out by now.  I am a secret spank-o and I don't mind admitting only to a vague internet audience. I love to be tied up, tied down, and pain turns me on.  I am still no sure how I feel about all that two years after figuring that out! 

I am person in need of some direction and an audience to work through that because really I am only an introvert in real life.  On the internet I am a total exhibitionist.